So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
