I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
