May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Randomize
