It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
