We're facebook friends in real life
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
