That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
