I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
