Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
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