Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
We had to coat check the pizza.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I still have a little drunk in my system
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
