Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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