my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
