I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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