i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
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