first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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