Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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