i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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