the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
