I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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