I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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