WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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