I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
