Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
