why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
