My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
