So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
