Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
