There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize
