I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
