first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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