Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
