so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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