I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
