I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
