They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Randomize
