Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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