I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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