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Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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