I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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