When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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