If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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