I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
