textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
