i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
