I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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