I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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