idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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