Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I need moral support for this bender
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Randomize
