Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
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