Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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