I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
